Overview

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, letting go of negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance.

Core Idea

The core idea is releasing the debt. The wrongdoer owes you something (an apology, a debt), and you choose to cancel that debt, not because they necessarily deserve it, but for the sake of relationship or your own peace.

Formal Definition

Forgiveness is the overcoming of resentment (Butler). It is distinct from:

  • Pardoning: A legal act (remitting punishment).
  • Condoning: Accepting the wrong as okay.
  • Forgetting: Losing the memory of the wrong.

Intuition

  • The Grudge: Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness is putting the poison down.
  • The Prodigal Son: The father forgives the son who wasted his inheritance, celebrating his return rather than punishing him.

Examples

  • Restorative Justice: Truth and Reconciliation Commissions (e.g., South Africa) focused on forgiveness and truth-telling rather than just punishment.
  • Self-Forgiveness: Letting go of guilt for one’s own mistakes.

Common Misconceptions

  • Misconception: You must forgive to be a good person.
    • Correction: Some argue that “unforgivable” acts exist and that resentment can be a sign of self-respect.
  • Misconception: Forgiveness means reconciliation.
    • Correction: You can forgive an abuser (let go of anger) without ever seeing them again (reconciling).
  • Resentment: The moral anger felt when one is wronged.
  • Mercy: Treating someone better than they deserve (often by a superior/judge).
  • Apology: The act of acknowledging wrong, often a precondition for forgiveness.

Applications

  • Therapy: Forgiveness is often a goal in therapy to heal trauma.
  • Politics: Can nations forgive each other for past wars?

Criticism and Limitations

  • Cheap Grace: Forgiving too easily can enable the abuser to continue harming.
  • The Paradox of Forgiveness: If the person has repented, they deserve to be treated well, so it’s not forgiveness. If they haven’t repented, forgiveness seems condoning. So when is forgiveness possible?

Further Reading

  • Forgiveness and Mercy by Murphy and Hampton
  • The Sunflower by Simon Wiesenthal